Counseling

         I’ve always been intrigued by the way people communicate. Whether through speaking, gestures, media, or music. The problem we’ve all faced, the question we have all asked ourselves, is this: “Did I understand what they said right?” Unfortunately, what others mean can be lost as it’s being communicated. It can be frustrating, and sometimes a little disheartening when you feel misunderstood. It’s an issue many of us face, but it also means that we’re not alone in misunderstanding. Recognizing the truth, that we’re not alone, I hope to turn our attention to a couple of words, counsel and council.      

         To counsel means, to give advice, while council means, an assembly or meeting for consultation or advice. Ideally, as we grow up and move away from home we can form our own, councils, to counsel with.

Growing up, I kept things to myself. I never shared what bothered me, what made me feel happy or sad, I just held everything in, to the point of bursting. I was nineteen-years old when I finally broke.  

At nineteen, I was in Idaho, serving a mission for my church. I had been out in the field for about 4 months, when I started to fall apart. Part of keeping everything to yourself means (to me anyway) that you lie. It was my way to show that I had a handle on things and I didn’t need anyone’s help. Up and to this point, the only person who I felt knew the real me, and still liked me was God. Needless to say, I didn’t think He liked the way I was living, but I continued because I didn’t think people would like me otherwise and I didn’t know how to stop. Then, four months into my mission I got put with a companion who changed my mind. She drove me crazy, we were complete opposites, and she quickly caught onto the fact that I would lie. She called me out on it and said, “every time you tell someone a lie, we have to make it true, so choose carefully.” I started to hate her, but it made me recognize how often I would spout out things, just so I could move along. It was humiliating, and I wanted to change. One night, I gathered my courage and told my companion what things I had been dishonest about with her. She began to cry, then shouted that she hated me. Her words cut me deep, I can’t remember what I said back, most likely that I hated her too. I went into the laundry room of that shared small apartment, and wept. Mostly because I felt she had been right in hating me, I hated me. Later that night, we came together, weakly said our apologies, had prayers together and went to bed. I laid awake, tears stinging my eyes. My companion had fallen asleep, I fell to my knees and the words “Do I need counseling?” left my mouth.  A clear yes entered my head, and for the first in what felt a very long time, I felt loved and relief seemed to sweep over me. Later, after a few phone calls, a couple of tests, and a set date for an appointment, I met with a counselor. My first couple of appointments I would start to share but tears would soon take over and I was unable to speak. He began having me write things down in a composition notebook and we were able to go from there.

         A lot has changed about me from counseling, from finding people who I know I can trust and who love me. Lying isn’t a guilt I carry around anymore. I’ve been able to find my council or group of people who I can come to a consensus with. I’ve learned to ask questions, if I don’t understand something. I’ve learned correct ways of communicating with others and it’s brought so much joy and friendship into my life. Learning how to communicate in kind and respectful ways has improved my life. I’m grateful for my poor nineteen-year old self, who was able to communicate her need for help.

I still watch how people communicate with each other, and I feel I’m better at recognizing more positive councils, then I was a few years ago. Communication, counseling together, is really what brings people together, or what tears them apart. My experience has taught me that I get to choose who’s in my council. I get to choose what I share, and what I want to understand better. I’m grateful for the ability to communicate, and I think all of us should learn how to better share our feelings with one another.