My friend Rose

I still remember her face, sitting down on the curb outside her small motel room, cigarette in her mouth. She seemed overwhelmed with her lot in life. Her name was Rose. I was a missionary for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I so badly wanted to help her.

My companion and I had met Rose coming out of an appointment in that mangy old motel. She was moving a rabbit hutch from her dingy room. We spotted her and asked if we could help. Rose set down the hutch, cigarette in hand, and smiled at us. “Thanks, but I don’t need any help, someone’s coming over to buy this from me.” We asked her, her name. “Rose.” She sat herself down on the curb took in a big breath of smoke and blew out a puffy cloud. “I’m already a member of your church,” she said. “Well, ex member I guess. I left, because I’m gay.” My head seemed to race, how should I respond? “I’m sorry.” I told her.  I felt like an idiot, why did I say I was sorry? It was one of the first times I had ever personally talked to someone who had same sex attraction, and I felt like I blew it. Rose laughed, a warm, full belly laugh, “You don’t have anything to be sorry about, I chose to leave, I don’t feel like Heavenly Father really cares about me anyway.” It broke my heart to hear her say that, but it also helped me to see her for who she truly was, a daughter of God. She wasn’t someone for me to gape at, she was my sister and it wasn’t fair for me to place my preconceived notions on her. My companion, Sister Smith, asked her why she felt that Heavenly Father didn’t care for her. Rose took a big breath and sighed, then began to tell us her story. She was nineteen, and she had felt same-sex attraction since she was in her early teens. Rose had been sexually abused by her father when she was younger, it made her feel worthless and small. Rose had opened up to her mother about being sexually abused and found some comfort there, but was later rebuked and told to leave when she shared that she was a lesbian. “Things are still hard,” she said, “My fiancé is pregnant, but her mucus plug has come out and it’s still too early for the baby to come. We’ve run out of money, and because of my fiancé condition she can’t work and I’m on disability.” We all sat there after Rose had shared her story with us. The weight of worry seemed to settle on Rose’s shoulders, she adjusted it, like it had been an itchy sweater. My eyes filled with tears, Rose was the same age as me, but our lives were so different. I started to tell her that Heavenly Father loved her, but she stopped me. “I told my bishop, about being gay and he told me that same-sex marriage was wrong, and that marriage should be between a man and a woman. I can’t be part of something that goes against the way I feel.” My head and my heart were reeling. How could something I knew to be true, hurt someone else so badly? I said a quiet prayer in my head, I didn’t want to add more to her already heavy load. I told her what her bishop had said was true, we don’t agree with same-sex marriage, but that it didn’t make her any less in God’s eyes that she felt same-sex attraction. Heavenly Father’s love doesn’t change because of the choices we make, our love is what changes with the choices we make. Rose stood up, “the guy is almost here to pick up the rabbit hutch.” Sister Smith asked if we could come again, Rose said, “yes, you guys can stop by tomorrow around the same time, I’ll be here.”

Rose didn’t come back to church, we never met her fiancé, but each time we met with her, we taught her about Heavenly Father and His love for her. We were also able to get the relief society to donate some things for their baby. To this day, I don’t know what’s happened to Rose, but I hope that she has a better understanding of God’s love for her.

In class, we talked about gender roles and homosexuality, and I feel just as helpless as I did talking to Rose. One of the main things we studied and discussed this week was the “gay gene” and how there’s no proof that it’s a real thing. Simon Levay, studied heterosexual and homosexual postmortem brains he stated he found some “subtle but significant differences between the brain of the heterosexual and homosexual brains.” Activists trumpeted this news, “Born this way” became a saying, but there’s a problem with Levay’s study. He later came out and said how the study would have been better measured on infants, even then it would be difficult to tell if people really were born homosexual or if it’s a series of decisions and things that happen to the individual.  I don’t like the saying “born this way” because it leaves no room for growth, it leaves no room for change.

I’m not sure what the answer is, I wish that those with same-sex feelings don’t feel worthless because they may feel attracted to someone of the same sex. I believe people can change, I believe your actions are what will ultimately bring happiness or sadness. I do know God has given us standards, we may not always reach them, but there is always a choice.