Counseling

         I’ve always been intrigued by the way people communicate. Whether through speaking, gestures, media, or music. The problem we’ve all faced, the question we have all asked ourselves, is this: “Did I understand what they said right?” Unfortunately, what others mean can be lost as it’s being communicated. It can be frustrating, and sometimes a little disheartening when you feel misunderstood. It’s an issue many of us face, but it also means that we’re not alone in misunderstanding. Recognizing the truth, that we’re not alone, I hope to turn our attention to a couple of words, counsel and council.      

         To counsel means, to give advice, while council means, an assembly or meeting for consultation or advice. Ideally, as we grow up and move away from home we can form our own, councils, to counsel with.

Growing up, I kept things to myself. I never shared what bothered me, what made me feel happy or sad, I just held everything in, to the point of bursting. I was nineteen-years old when I finally broke.  

At nineteen, I was in Idaho, serving a mission for my church. I had been out in the field for about 4 months, when I started to fall apart. Part of keeping everything to yourself means (to me anyway) that you lie. It was my way to show that I had a handle on things and I didn’t need anyone’s help. Up and to this point, the only person who I felt knew the real me, and still liked me was God. Needless to say, I didn’t think He liked the way I was living, but I continued because I didn’t think people would like me otherwise and I didn’t know how to stop. Then, four months into my mission I got put with a companion who changed my mind. She drove me crazy, we were complete opposites, and she quickly caught onto the fact that I would lie. She called me out on it and said, “every time you tell someone a lie, we have to make it true, so choose carefully.” I started to hate her, but it made me recognize how often I would spout out things, just so I could move along. It was humiliating, and I wanted to change. One night, I gathered my courage and told my companion what things I had been dishonest about with her. She began to cry, then shouted that she hated me. Her words cut me deep, I can’t remember what I said back, most likely that I hated her too. I went into the laundry room of that shared small apartment, and wept. Mostly because I felt she had been right in hating me, I hated me. Later that night, we came together, weakly said our apologies, had prayers together and went to bed. I laid awake, tears stinging my eyes. My companion had fallen asleep, I fell to my knees and the words “Do I need counseling?” left my mouth.  A clear yes entered my head, and for the first in what felt a very long time, I felt loved and relief seemed to sweep over me. Later, after a few phone calls, a couple of tests, and a set date for an appointment, I met with a counselor. My first couple of appointments I would start to share but tears would soon take over and I was unable to speak. He began having me write things down in a composition notebook and we were able to go from there.

         A lot has changed about me from counseling, from finding people who I know I can trust and who love me. Lying isn’t a guilt I carry around anymore. I’ve been able to find my council or group of people who I can come to a consensus with. I’ve learned to ask questions, if I don’t understand something. I’ve learned correct ways of communicating with others and it’s brought so much joy and friendship into my life. Learning how to communicate in kind and respectful ways has improved my life. I’m grateful for my poor nineteen-year old self, who was able to communicate her need for help.

I still watch how people communicate with each other, and I feel I’m better at recognizing more positive councils, then I was a few years ago. Communication, counseling together, is really what brings people together, or what tears them apart. My experience has taught me that I get to choose who’s in my council. I get to choose what I share, and what I want to understand better. I’m grateful for the ability to communicate, and I think all of us should learn how to better share our feelings with one another.

Stress doesn't have to become distressing

Stress verses distress. Stress can motivate individuals to keep moving forward, while distress can make us fall into pieces. It’s how we view the situation, and react to the negative things that happen to us that can help us to succeed or fail. A crisis, can bring a family closer together or tear it apart, it’s the family’s choice whether or not to make the situation into a stress or a distress.

Growing up, my best friend was my older sister just above me, M. M and I loved doing things together. We had our own club, the “fairy club”. We used to meet up at the hill from our house, there we would decide what nice things we would try to do for our family and neighbors. She’s a few years older than me, but she never made me feel insignificant or stupid just because I was her kid sister. She treated me as her equal and always helped me to see the best in myself.

As we grew up, M moved away to college, we still talked to each other and I would go out to visit her. My sister has always been good at putting her faith forward and making the best out of any situation, she did the same thing in college.

M had always wanted to serve a mission, and when she turned 21 she got her papers in and was soon called to serve in California. She got everything prepared to go, had her farewell and was soon off to the MTC. While in the MTC, M had a breakdown and was honorably released. It was devastating.

I still remember that day, it was one of the worst days of my life. I got home from school went upstairs to talk to my Mom and M was there. I was confused, I didn’t know that M had returned home, but something had changed her. She was lying next to my Mom; her face was pale and fear filled her eyes. She kept repeating the words, “I’m sorry.” Tears filled my eyes and fear gripped my throat, I backed out of the room, afraid to ask what was going on. It felt like my sister was lost, and I didn’t know what to do.

M was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Our family gathered around her, the best we knew how, but I think we were all afraid for our M, and fear can make us do stupid things. Me especially. I started talking less and less with my sister. I didn’t know how I could help, and M was going through so much I felt like trying to understand things would just make it worse for her, so I backed away. I often look back now and wish I had done things differently. M remained strong, she was kind to each of us, and forgave our failings. I don’t know anyone who has more strength than my sister M.

With all that was happening to M, with all the changes she was experiencing, all the stress that had entered her life, she didn’t let it destroy her. She put her faith in God and kept moving. Her stress did not become distressing. M received help. She was able to get a job, do some school, date, all while figuring out her new life. She was and continues to be my hero, because of the way she looks at life.

M has since married a wonderful man, and soon they may be expecting a little one to join their family. It’s because of M’s faith and good attitude that her life is where it is now. She’s a hard-working, kind, thoughtful individual. I’m so blessed to have her in my life, and I’m grateful for everything she’s taught me.

Stress drastically changed my sister’s life. M is the amazing woman she is today because of the way she’s been able to embrace her challenges, they’ve shaped and molded her. I know she still has difficult days and sometimes gets really down on herself but she always gets back up and does the best she can with a positive attitude. I love my sister, and I wouldn’t change anything about her.

sex in marriage

Here are my personal feelings about sex, I believe sex should be between a man and woman who are legally married.  In the context of marriage, sex becomes marital intimacy. Imagine, you’ve married your best friend, you’ve committed everything you have to this person, you love them, and trust them. Sex is a means of communication, it’s sharing something so personal with someone you love. Because it’s used as a way of communication, take the time to learn about each other’s bodies, ask questions, and adjust to help each other have a good experience.

I feel strongly that sex should only be shared within the bounds of marriage because it’s safer. Think of a fire, when it’s contained within the bounds of a fireplace or fire-pit, it can be used for heat, to cook food, and other things. When fire has no bounds or limits, it can be destructive and devastating. Several chemicals in your brain are released when you have intercourse. Both men and women release serotonin, a chemical that helps you feel like everything is going to be okay and dopamine, a chemical that makes you feel happy. Women release one more chemical after intercourse called, oxytocin, or the bonding chemical. Sex is bonding, for women especially, and if you’re using sex just for sex, not only will you be unhappy but you will be unfulfilled.

Sex is a way to say I love you without using words. We use communication as a way to get to know others better. It helps us to understand our partner’s needs and feelings. Communication is back and forth; each person has to be present and willing to share or it doesn’t work. It can’t be forced, you have to learn how to communicate with each other. Practice and adjustment is part of it. The more you learn about each other and how to best reach climax together the happier and more connected you will feel.

         Take the time to know your spouse’s body. By that I mean, read books, ask questions, if something isn’t working correctly, get help. Sexual intimacy unfortunately can become a burden on one’s spouse if you aren’t working together to make it an enjoyable experience for the both of you. Women are more likely to feel unsatisfied, mainly because they don’t know their body as well and they don’t know how to lead their husbands. If this is your experience, be patient, seek help if necessary, but don’t give up.   

         I hope men and women can feel empowered through marital intimacy. There’s a lot of stuff in the media about sex and for a single woman like me, it sometimes feels daunting, even scary. I used the word sex a lot throughout this post, but it really comes down to the connection between husband and wife. I think the happiest married couples are those who are committed to each other. They want the best for each other, they are loving, and supportive. How do you think our world would be different if we viewed sex differently?

         In conclusion, I believe that sex should be between a man and a woman who are legally married. Sex outside of marriage, like untamed fire can be destructive and dangerous. Communication is a big part of having enjoyable intercourse, because you are working to fulfill each other’s needs and you can grow closer by doing so. Learn what you can about each other’s bodies, ask questions and get help if need be. Sex is a way to say I love you, so make sure you take care you are with the one you’ve committed to love for the rest of your days.