Dating life

The dreaded date, the unwed often cringe at the word that keeps them searching for “the one”. It’s a two-way street, one way, can be; frustrating, time consuming, lonely, and often a letdown when our grand plans of happiness don’t match our partners.  The other is exhilarating, fulfilling, joyful and often leads the couple to courting and eventual marriage. Why then, does the individual often find the passenger seat empty? Could it be there were no hitch-hikers along the way, or we missed an exit along highway 54? I believe the answer lies in how much pressure we place on the date and the lack of encouragement we give to our dates.

         A good road trip has a destination planned. There’s snacks, good songs, and conversation. The road can sometimes be rough, but driver and passenger are there for each other and it helps make the journey a little easier.

Elder Dalin H. Oaks has given three requirements for a date, “prepared, paired off, and payed for.” It’s not a commitment of marriage, or the end to a friendship. A date is a chance to get to know someone better, if you like them, great! If not, no worries, at least you tried. Unfortunately dating has become a BIG DEAL, not just a means to get to know someone better. I think that’s why people find themselves traveling the road alone, because it’s easier than going on a date.

I’ll be honest, I went into this lesson with my eyes rolled. “Psh, dating… how does this subject always come up?” I’m the kind of girl who tries till I make it, but dating exhausts me, because it’s not something I can do by myself. I have to keep meeting new guys, get them to ask me out (or I’ll ask them out, games aren’t my thing) and then go on the outing. It’s hard to not build your hopes up. It’s rough knowing “if this doesn’t work out, it means I have to start the cycle all over again.” I’ve had boyfriends, and dating is what allowed me to see the positive and the negative. It helped me to make decisions and change what I look for in guys, but why is it so freaking hard? Lately I find that I’ve taken my road trips alone. No one beside me, no one pointing the way, or listening to a favorite song with me. I still find my way, but I hope to one day be in that passenger seat, holding hands with my someone. Happy because we found each other, and we have the same destination and plan on how to get there. Therefore what? I get to keep trying, because ultimately, I would much rather have a driving buddy.

So how can we do it? How do we get the meaningful dates, that don’t add to much pressure, but help us see what we want? I direct this answer to women, Be direct. Show the guy you want to date that you are interested, tell him “I wouldn’t say no if you asked me out.” If you’re feeling up for it, ask the guy out. Make it clear, and be supportive to the guy you want a date from. For guys, plan the date, it doesn’t have to be the cost of your first house, just show her that you are willing to put effort into the relationship, even if it’s only going to last for two hours. If you hit it off keep dating, keep planning things for each other. It will be the greatest indicator of your marriage. How you date, now is how you will act later.

In conclusion, for those who may feel downhearted or lonely I would encourage you 
to reach out and find opportunities to meet new people. Drive around, get a feel for who you want to d.j your personal car radio. Dating can be difficult but if done right, it can be the beginning to a spectacular road-trip. 

My friend Rose

I still remember her face, sitting down on the curb outside her small motel room, cigarette in her mouth. She seemed overwhelmed with her lot in life. Her name was Rose. I was a missionary for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I so badly wanted to help her.

My companion and I had met Rose coming out of an appointment in that mangy old motel. She was moving a rabbit hutch from her dingy room. We spotted her and asked if we could help. Rose set down the hutch, cigarette in hand, and smiled at us. “Thanks, but I don’t need any help, someone’s coming over to buy this from me.” We asked her, her name. “Rose.” She sat herself down on the curb took in a big breath of smoke and blew out a puffy cloud. “I’m already a member of your church,” she said. “Well, ex member I guess. I left, because I’m gay.” My head seemed to race, how should I respond? “I’m sorry.” I told her.  I felt like an idiot, why did I say I was sorry? It was one of the first times I had ever personally talked to someone who had same sex attraction, and I felt like I blew it. Rose laughed, a warm, full belly laugh, “You don’t have anything to be sorry about, I chose to leave, I don’t feel like Heavenly Father really cares about me anyway.” It broke my heart to hear her say that, but it also helped me to see her for who she truly was, a daughter of God. She wasn’t someone for me to gape at, she was my sister and it wasn’t fair for me to place my preconceived notions on her. My companion, Sister Smith, asked her why she felt that Heavenly Father didn’t care for her. Rose took a big breath and sighed, then began to tell us her story. She was nineteen, and she had felt same-sex attraction since she was in her early teens. Rose had been sexually abused by her father when she was younger, it made her feel worthless and small. Rose had opened up to her mother about being sexually abused and found some comfort there, but was later rebuked and told to leave when she shared that she was a lesbian. “Things are still hard,” she said, “My fiancé is pregnant, but her mucus plug has come out and it’s still too early for the baby to come. We’ve run out of money, and because of my fiancé condition she can’t work and I’m on disability.” We all sat there after Rose had shared her story with us. The weight of worry seemed to settle on Rose’s shoulders, she adjusted it, like it had been an itchy sweater. My eyes filled with tears, Rose was the same age as me, but our lives were so different. I started to tell her that Heavenly Father loved her, but she stopped me. “I told my bishop, about being gay and he told me that same-sex marriage was wrong, and that marriage should be between a man and a woman. I can’t be part of something that goes against the way I feel.” My head and my heart were reeling. How could something I knew to be true, hurt someone else so badly? I said a quiet prayer in my head, I didn’t want to add more to her already heavy load. I told her what her bishop had said was true, we don’t agree with same-sex marriage, but that it didn’t make her any less in God’s eyes that she felt same-sex attraction. Heavenly Father’s love doesn’t change because of the choices we make, our love is what changes with the choices we make. Rose stood up, “the guy is almost here to pick up the rabbit hutch.” Sister Smith asked if we could come again, Rose said, “yes, you guys can stop by tomorrow around the same time, I’ll be here.”

Rose didn’t come back to church, we never met her fiancé, but each time we met with her, we taught her about Heavenly Father and His love for her. We were also able to get the relief society to donate some things for their baby. To this day, I don’t know what’s happened to Rose, but I hope that she has a better understanding of God’s love for her.

In class, we talked about gender roles and homosexuality, and I feel just as helpless as I did talking to Rose. One of the main things we studied and discussed this week was the “gay gene” and how there’s no proof that it’s a real thing. Simon Levay, studied heterosexual and homosexual postmortem brains he stated he found some “subtle but significant differences between the brain of the heterosexual and homosexual brains.” Activists trumpeted this news, “Born this way” became a saying, but there’s a problem with Levay’s study. He later came out and said how the study would have been better measured on infants, even then it would be difficult to tell if people really were born homosexual or if it’s a series of decisions and things that happen to the individual.  I don’t like the saying “born this way” because it leaves no room for growth, it leaves no room for change.

I’m not sure what the answer is, I wish that those with same-sex feelings don’t feel worthless because they may feel attracted to someone of the same sex. I believe people can change, I believe your actions are what will ultimately bring happiness or sadness. I do know God has given us standards, we may not always reach them, but there is always a choice.

Traditions

         My mom often says that the only pictures of her family are on Halloween or in a graveyard on Memorial Day.  She’s number four of ten children, and remarkably they have stayed close to each other all of these years. It was important to my grandparents to implement the tradition of gathering, into their children. Both of my mother’s parents have passed away, but my mom and her siblings have remained close, they often text each other and make plans to meet up with one another. I’m not sure why it was so important to my grandparents that their children be friends, but, it has helped me to see what I want in my own family.

         Traditions aren’t always ones that we celebrate annually, they can also be inherited patterns of belief or behavior. For my mom and her family, the belief that has been carried forward is, "you should be friends with your siblings and take care of each other." I’ve seen my mom try to instill this belief with each of us (her own children) and I’m grateful she has. I know my siblings are there for me, and I will be there for them. Thanks mom!

         Growing up I didn’t always like everything we did as a family, there are some traditions or behaviors that I don’t agree with and I’m doing what I can to not bring those things forward, but as I mentioned earlier, the tradition of caring for your siblings and being there for each other is something that I want within my own family. That’s what’s so great about the family. It’s a classroom, an example of what you can one day do with your own life.

         We discussed this topic a lot in class, and I found that most individuals come from some; weird, loving, broken, all of the above families. We all have things we love and hate about our personal families, what’s important is how we change things, how we move forward.

         Our first class this week we reviewed a quick documentary on a woman named Tammy. Looking into her life, you can’t help but feel sorry for her.  She is, a single mother of two sons. Tammy works minimum wage at Burger King and they live in a beaten, worn down, two-by-two. Tammy is stuck in the tradition of her family, she says, “My dad was poor, so I’m poor.” Her boys are affected by this belief as well. Her oldest son is embarrassed by their house, and is often one to take care of things while she works. He wants to go to college and have an education, but later we find that he had to drop out of high school to get a job when his girlfriend became pregnant. Tammy sons grow up to have wives and children of their own, but many of the poor patterns within the family have remained the same.

         What changes tradition or belief? Who gets to decide what stays and what goes? My belief is that it’s up to the individual. If you don’t know how to do something, or you were brought up in poor circumstances, I think you should find help. Take a class, ask a neighbor, look for good examples around you. It takes work and that may be why some people don’t believe they could possibly change things. I’m a big believer in asking for help and working till you understand something new. It’s helped me to change some of the negative beliefs I use to hold on to. It’s a tradition I hope to pass forward, you can become whoever you work to become.

My mom with her siblings, still going strong!

link to Tammy: https://youtu.be/37ZpauS5Doo